I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Randomize
