I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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