instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
