Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
