Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
