The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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