I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
