Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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