I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
