You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
