I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We're too hungover to prance.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
