don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
