Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
