i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
