It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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