Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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