I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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