sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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