STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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