i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
