Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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