He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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