you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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