he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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