I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
