He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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