A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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