I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
