there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
