His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
