He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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