So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
