I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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