Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
