I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
