just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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