I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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