She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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