LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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