He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
