I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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