It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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