He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize