Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize