his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
