i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
