I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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