I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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