She told me I should be a condom model.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
