Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The Olympian is in my bed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
