You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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