You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
