Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How does it feel to date your dad?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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