When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
