If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
