i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
