just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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