Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
