I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
