please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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