No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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